DEAR C.C. READER PROBLEMS

(Above) COLLETTE CROWLEY, Unknown photographer(2011)

(Above) DEAR C.C. CONTRACTS, Gary Farrelly(2011)

New Obsessive is delighted to announce that Dear C.C. is to become a regular feature of the publication. Gary Farrelly and Collette Crowley signed a legally binding contract to that effect just 48 hours ago. The signing was witnessed by Oisin Byrne. New Obsessive was impressed by the strong reader interest in the feature and looks forward to continued great development for all parties concerned. Send your reader questions to dearccnewobsessive@gmail.com

Dear CC
I'm the misandrist lesbian alter ego of a misogynist gay man. Lately I've been feeling like no gender labels can really describe me. Have we yet arrived at a time when we can honestly say that gender is a societal construct into, or out of which, we can opt?
Yours,
Neo Nancy

Dear Neo Nancy,
Do you require a permanent label, or can you be one way on Tuesdays and another on Saturdays with vague areas betwixt and between?
Personally I have a horror of being told someones preference - rather like Americans who introduce themselves with their ’star sign’.
Opt for mystery and keep them all guessing,
Yours,
C.C.

Dearest Collette.
I have recently found myself the object of a series of brutal and violently abusive bullying.
Not friendships nor family are the sources of the above.
It is the world. The world is bullying me. Bullying me by not giving me what I want. I usually always get what I want.
How do I get it back? What is it?
Yours in deep fear,
X.

Dear X
It’s your perception of the world as a place filled with horror that’s amiss - I’m presuming that you have no real reason - do you live in Beijing?
If not, then stop reading newspapers and watching the news and avert your eyes from tempting advertisements.
Write back in a month and let me know how wonderful life has become.
Yours C.C.

Dear Collette,
My girlfriend constantly wants sex. I think she'd have it every day if I would let her. It doesn’t seem as 'special' if we do it too often. I mean, its great when we have it, I think I’m just worried if we have too much, I’ll get sick of it!!! And sometimes I’m just not in the mood. Any suggestions to get me in the mood more?
Yours,
Wilfred in London.

Dear Wilfred,
Tell her you’ve got the clap.
Yrs, C.C.

Dear C.C,
Do you feel like we have something to fear in the shape of secretive (and some not so secretive) organizations rumoured to have a higher knowledge of what's actually occurring in the world combined with the power to control and persuade it? Don't you ever sometimes feel like maybe there's nothing out there aside from a vortex of coincidences, and if you do really believe in such conspiracy theories, how do you sleep at night?
Curious,
Athlone.

Dear Curious,
The word ’coincidence’ was invented precisely to describe such unsettling patterns of events. However that does not mean that powerful secretive forces are not grinding with baleful intent. If you kept chickens you would be worrying about lice and rats instead.
Yrs., C.C.

Dear CC,
I have been dating a lovely, but work obsessed guy for 12 years.
He is wonderful to be with, when that happens. He works so much it rarely happens. Now that we are able to marry in New York, should I pop the question?
I have no idea.
Thank you
Steve
New York .

Dear Steve,
Make sure that your wedding vows address any concerns you might have - and pop away - if the worst comes to worst he will be good for alimony.
Yrs., C.C.

Hi Collette
so my question is I have met 3 men in the last few weeks in nightclub’s mostly and the same thing happens I meet them they ask for my number and then they all send me a text message asking me if I have got home ok and then I never hear from them again why do they bother? (the 3 men were all Irish)
Anon

Dear Anon,
They were checking that the phone was correct and making sure you have THEIR number. USE IT.
Yrs.,
C.C.

Dearest Colette,
Do you think that true love is not to want or need anything from the beloved? This makes sense to me in my mind, but seems difficult in practice at times.
Thanks for your insight,
Corin Thian, Rome

Dear Corin,
Practice makes perfect,
Yrs., C.C.

Dear C.C
I am a student in my twenties and although i'm having a great time rambling about Dublin, My current future wish is to marry into some form of royalty. eg, lord, duke etc. I desire to be amongst the luxury, at least for a while. But how do I go about mingling with these social circles? As that really is the most obvious starting point I assume.
Thanks,
ANONYMOUS.

Dear Anon,
It’s a total fallacy to imagine that lords or dukes lead lives of anything other than extreme discomfort. Try staying in some freezing dank barracks of a castle in the winter and see what I mean. If its luxury you are after, find yourself a nice dull billionaire who wants you to spend his money.
Yrs., C.C.

Collette
I am still finding it hard to fully get over my ex even though it is a year and I am happily now in another relationship with the most caring man , but little flashbacks keep coming and going and I often find myself down over the slightest thing,
do you have any tips or advice for me to get over this?
Yours Sincerely
A. Non.

Dear Anon,
George Jones records.
Yrs., C.C:

Dear Colette,
I thouroughly enjoy and take great constructive council from your feature in NEW OBSESSIVE. I am curious; what qualifies you to dispense advice? Where does your common sense have its provenance?
Yours, Regtilda (Tildy), Fagernes, Norway.

Dear Tildy,
An overweening sense of my own special talents.
Yrs.,
C.C.

Dear C.C.,
My dreams of late are characterized by images of disfigured cheeks, broken teeth, giants convering their right eye with one hand, drained swimming pools, and the inability to speak. I do not eat cheese late at night and am pretty happy and anxiety free in wake time. Analysis?
X
Denis, Tulsa

Dear Denis,
Your lovely brain is providing the excitement missing in your daily dreary life.
Yrs.,
C.C:

Dear C.C. COLETTE CROWLEY ANSWERS READER PROBLEMS

Dear C.C.
Are we living at the end of days? Is it survivable? How?
Norma, Westminster
Dear Norma,
Well… yes - and then… no.
Yrs.
Collette
Dear C.C.
I am travelling to Neustern next month. This will be my first time ever to leave Ireland. Where should I go in the autonomous coastal city-state? Recommendations?
Nira, Celbridge.
Dear Nira,
Oh you are lucky - as Neustern is definitely the chicest of the chic in terms of this years most desired destinations. Nothing like starting at the top. Just make sure that you leave yourself enough time to explore it thoroughly and remember NO colour photography.
Yrs. jealously,
Collette
Dear C.C.
I am a 35-year-old gourmet butcher from Arlington, Texas. I have saved up a humble five figure net egg. The dollar is falling and friends say things will get worse. Where/in what form should I hold future financial reserves?
Yours,
J. Holden
Dear Mr. Holden,
You must be very prescient to realise that the dollar is falling despite all the propaganda to the contrary in your home state - you can still have a lot of fun - my advice is “spend it”.
Yrs.
Collette
Dear C.C.
I am a card-carrying communist for over 20 years. I have always seen red! In my silver years my prosperity has led to my addiction to luxury goods. Hand mad soap from Birobijan; small-animal-pooped coffee beans at $80 a pack; budget busting salt from Mali. Communism is part of my identity. The idea of becoming a Tory, or worse, makes me barf. I need a new path. Help.
Connor Thomas
Dear Connor Thomas,
You needn’t worry - smoked salmon socialism and caviar communism have been with us since the whole ghastly ideology sprang into life. Luxury goods are carefully marketed at prosperous professionals in their silver years - you can still vote left while living right.
Yrs.
Collette
Dear C.C.
My potatoe crop always fails to grow properly. Advice?
Linda, Clane
Dear Linda,
Could it be because, like Dan Quayle, you can’t spell potato?
Yrs.
Collette
Dear C.C.
I am terrified of flying. In planes I feel thoroughly ill - before we even leave the gate. My husband of 3 years has bought me a ticket to see my sister in Australia: 23 hour flight. I need to fix my phobia - fast!
Jilly, Dalkey
Dear Jilly,
On no account accept such a cruel and thoughtless present. Everyone knows that the most interesting voyages are by ship. Happy sailing.
Yrs.
Collette
Dear Collette,
I have a friend with serious mental health issues. She has been on a waiting list for treatment for over a year. I am afraid she will not make it to the top of the list alive. Advice?
Greg, Leixlip
Dear Greg,
Maybe from her perspective the so-called mental health issues don’t appear so alarming. None of us are guaranteed survival for an entire year. Cheer up.
Yrs.
Collette
Dear C.C.
I am becoming very, very right wing as I get older. Is this unusual? Am I abnormal? n
Niall, Dublin 8
Dear Niall,
Some people confuse getting very, very right wing with just being a grumpy old man. Unfortunately it is both normal and usual.
Yrs.
Collette
Dear C.C.
I am fascinated and full of admiration for the Nazis but a lot of my friends are Jews. Reconcile please.
Tina, Neustern
Dear Tina,
Maybe you are just a slave to style - the Nazis favoured physical perfection while the Jews are renowned for their mental agility and artistic sensibilities. Reconciled?
Yrs.
Collette

Collette Crowley is the New Obsessive agony aunt/ problem commissar. Readers are invited to send C.C. any problems they wish to have answered and published. C.C. can be reached at newobsessivedearcc@gmail.com